Author Archive
January 21, 2010 at 10:20 am · Categories: Fiction / Creative Writing, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
21st January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The occult of warrior Mars and royal Jupiter on 26th January will dominate the planetary motions in our heads, guts, backsides and wallets for the next six years. The official Banyan News astrologer Mr Ahasrahas analyses the implications of the above cosmic event to determine the extent to which we will get screwed in the next phase of this rather predictably catastrophic cosmoastropoliticosociomasochistical cycle.
The cosmic collision on the 26th will have a profound effect on Aquarius and Cancer over the next six years. You survived the bloodshed and misery brought about by the Sun God who moved out of your …
January 10, 2010 at 1:10 am · Categories: Colombo, Fiction / Creative Writing, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
10 January 2010, Colombo, Sri Lanka – The government in an emergency press briefing today, announced that it will take steps to overhaul the national security strategy of the island. The government defence spokesman, Minister Kokila Bathalahitawanna admitted that a post-war review of the defence plan had exposed glaring gaps in the national security strategy that needed urgent attention.
Military Spokesman Brigadier Rajarathna T Pakshadeemana detailing the changes, said that the first step would involve a radical change in the uniforms of all armed forces personnel. “We found that current military uniforms do not provide adequate protection or camouflage in areas where solders are most often deployed” he pointed out. “The role …
January 4, 2010 at 7:00 am · Categories: Colombo, Fiction / Creative Writing, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka - A special Advisory Council for Astrologers is to be established in the lead up to presidential elections to ensure “consistency” in astrological forecasts, claims a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences speaking exclusively to Banyan News Reporters. The Ministry is expected to put forward a cabinet paper in the first week of January proposing the Advisory Council, which will play a supervisory role over all astrologers registered with the Ministry.
“This is aimed at improving astrological predictions and to prevent citizens from being abused and misled by untrustworthy astrologers” claimed a source from the Ministry of Indigenous Sciences. “Some unpatriotic astrologers do not give predictions based on their …
November 18, 2009 at 6:25 pm · Categories: Colombo, Fiction / Creative Writing, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka - Banyan News Reporters (BNR) learns from the Registrar of Names that a record number of people in Sri Lanka are requesting a change in their surnames. Over the last few months, the Registrar of Names notes that most of the applicants have requested to change their surname to Rajapakse, or to add it on as an additional surname.
“This is unprecedented. Never in my thirty years at the department have we had so many applicants” confirmed Mr Satish Rajapakse, Director of the Applications Unit of the Registrar of Names. He noted that since the end of war, the number of applications increased exponentially. Mr. Rajapakse refused to discuss with BNR any …
August 20, 2009 at 7:00 am · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka – Banyan News Reporters learns that Sri Lanka will hold the world’s first barbed wire exhibition for 180 days beginning 1st September at the Bandaranaike Memorial Hall under the auspices of the Ministry of Human Rights Disaster Management. Titled ‘The Beauty of Barbed Wire’ the exhibition will showcase cultural uses and relevance of barded wire in Sri Lanka.
“Barbed wire is such a misunderstood medium. This exhibition will demonstrate the multiple uses for barbed wire in Sri Lanka and the long-standing importance of barbed wire in Sri Lankan culture” says the curator of the exhibition, Katherine Gracious.
The use of barbed wire as an aesthetic boundary is a principal focus of the exhibition. The …
July 28, 2009 at 3:50 pm · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
Banyan News Reporters was pleased to receive this patriotic open letter to the President of Sri Lanka from a group of concerned parents.
An open letter to President Mahinda Rajapaksa, Sri Lanka
28 July 2009
Your Excellency / Your Majesty,
We are a group of parents who address this letter to you after much thought and discussion. We want to bring to your all-encompassing attention a matter of utmost public interest that concerns current and future generations.
First and foremost, we deeply appreciate your personal interest in all matters: nothing seems too small to escape your attention, and nothing appears too large for your intervention. We especially salute your unprecedented and historic efforts to reassert Sri …
June 1, 2009 at 8:12 am · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
31 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Genetically modified (GM) mosquitoes may have been released in the Greater Colombo area this year and can wreak havoc on public health, scientists and activists warn.
These mosquitoes are larger in size, and far more resistant to insecticides and other repellents. “They will not be deterred by mosquito spray or coils – in fact, these methods will have no effect on these new breeds,” a top entomologist, who did not wish to be named, said.
It was not immediately clear as to what species of mosquito has been genetically modified to make them withstand eradication measures. This news comes in the wake of a losing battle that local governments and …
May 12, 2009 at 2:59 pm · Categories: Human Security, IDPs and Refugees, Media and Communications, Peace and Conflict, Politics and Governance, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
12 May 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The International Community is expressing its concern over the deaths of thousands of civilians including at least one hundred children who are caught between the crossfire as fighting raged between the Sri Lankan Armed Forces and the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) an internationally proscribed terrorist outfit. In light of the recent developments in the tiny island off the southern tip of India, a recent survey conducted by CNN on whether the International Community should intervene in the conflict has produced an inconclusive and convoluted set of results.
A Brazilian farmer whose coffee beans where brewed at the recent UN security council meeting told CNN that the …
April 27, 2009 at 7:00 am · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
27 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: The government is considering a proposal to usher in a new ‘barefoot revolution’ in Sri Lanka as part of its philosophy to revive ancient Sinhala traditions.
This will see the systematic phasing out of footwear use in all government offices, and other places where politicians and officials are present. The practice will be first introduced in Parliament, as well as offices of the President and Prime Minister, and later extended to cover all government offices.
“Wearing shoes and slippers is a recent habit introduced to our people by western colonialists,” says Emeritus Professor Amaradasa Gunasekera, originator of the idea. “The ancient Sinhalese knew that we living in a tropical country do …
April 20, 2009 at 12:36 am · Categories: Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
20 April 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Special security camps, called ‘Government Comfort Centres’ are to be established in order to improve security for Government MPs, according to sources in the Defence sector. Due to fears of LTTE attacks in the coming weeks the Government ordered that all its Members of Parliament will be housed in these centres.
“The Government Comfort Centres are perfectly suited for defensive purposes with no access for outsiders and minimal movement out of these centres for residents” added the defence spokesperson in an exclusive interview with Banyan News Service. According to the plans titled ‘Responsibility to Protect Members of Parliament (R2P MP)’ dated April 2009, the centres will be constructed in three …
April 1, 2009 at 6:00 am · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
Banyan News World Exclusive!
Godavaya, Sri Lanka: 14 March 2009: Marine archaeologists have just discovered evidence of a large submerged landmass southeast of Sri Lanka. They believe it could be a legendary lost island closely linked to the culture and history of Sri Lankan people.
The discovery was made by a team of Dutch and Sri Lankan scientists based on satellite maps and underwater sample extractions from the deep sea. Preliminary data need to be verified by a deep sea submersible expedition during 2009 – 2010, according to a member of the research team who did not want to be identified.
The landmass is estimated to be between 450,000 and 475,000 square kilometres, which is about seven times …
March 25, 2009 at 12:39 pm · Categories: Jaffna, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka: – Elite black tiger commando units of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) carried out an attack last night on farmers who may or may not have produced the vegetables and eggs that caused 270 people including 202 students to be hospitalised for suspected food poisoning in Trincomalee yesterday.
Leader of the LTTE’s political wing P Nadesan who himself was the victim of food poisoning from kottu roti told reporters that he will personally hunt down the bacteria responsible for the calamity, but the lack of VIM Dishwash bars in the no-fire zone was severely hampering his efforts. “Our organisation takes the …
March 17, 2009 at 11:39 am · Categories: Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
17 March 2009, Colombo, Sri Lanka: Tasty Chocolate Manufacturers Pvt Limited is being investigated for assisting the LTTE’s aerial attack on Colombo on February 20 according to sources within the security forces. More than ten bars of chocolate were found in the LTTE plane shot down over Katunayake while investigations are being carried out on the wreckage of the second plane which crashed into the Inland Revenue Building to prove that Tasty Chocolate was being carried in both planes.
“That both pilots had Tasty Chocolate shows that the Company is aiding and abetting terrorism” a reliable source from the security division told Banyan Newswire, noting that “We believe the Company provided the LTTE with chocolate as …
March 12, 2009 at 7:55 am · Categories: Colombo, Human Rights, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
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February 23, 2009 at 7:00 am · Categories: Human Security, IDPs and Refugees, Jaffna, Peace and Conflict, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka: Researchers at the Sri Lankan Ministry of Defence and their counterparts at the LTTE Humanitarian Research Institute at Puthukkudiyirippu (formerly based in Kilinochchi and which did not at any time have a hospital) have been competing for months to produce the most accurate calculation of the value of life.
The Defence Ministry spokesman who leads the government research team revealed their preliminary findings several months ago through the Media Centre for National Security. Speaking to Journalists, he reported that eight soldiers had died in battle the previous day, when the actual body count of security forces personnel killed in battle was thirteen. He …
February 22, 2009 at 2:56 am · Categories: Colombo, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
by a Special Foreign Correspondent for Banyan News Reporters
London (February 21st) – Two Grammy Award winning paper planes of the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Ealam (LTTE) crashed in Colombo last night, killing two people and injuring 58 others according to our sources in Sri Lanka. The first plane exploded into the Inland Revenue Department building while the other one was reportedly shot down near Katunayake when its pilot’s identity was mistaken for a prominent journalist.
Moments after the attack, the pro-LTTE web media quoted Alan Greenspillai, the finance secretary of the banned terrorist organisation, who claimed that their mission was to give Sri Lankan businesses a tax break. “We want to encourage small and medium …
February 16, 2009 at 8:39 am · Categories: Jaffna, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka: Our sources revealed that the Sri Lankan government was admitted to the proctology ward of the General Hospital in Colombo late last week after it complained about acute abdominal dysfunction.
Leading British proctologist, Doctor Des Browne was hurriedly pushed in to examine the Sri Lankan government even before the patient was consulted. Dr. Browne later told reporters that he was unable to examine the patient due to an abnormal tightening of its anal sphincter – a muscle controlled by the patient’s nervous system to keep out uninvited poking in inappropriate places.
It is believed that the Sri Lankan government first reported these symptoms as …
February 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm · Categories: Jaffna, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
by Global Citizen for Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, Sri Lanka: With the drawn out military campaign against terrorism in its last phase, the Sri Lankan government has taken a decision to divert the country’s defence budget to fund science & technology, education and research. Economists point out that the move will power the Sri Lankan economy out of it’s recent set-backs and place Sri Lanka right at the centre of the world map – a position it had secured millions of years ago thanks to a geological phenomenon called ‘plate tectonics’.
In its fresh forays into the world of high energy particle physics, the Sri Lankan military boxed up the LTTE in a …
January 28, 2009 at 7:00 am · Categories: Colombo, Media and Communications, Peace and Conflict, Satire | by Banyan News Reporters
New meters will monitor ‘patriotic TV watching’ by citizens
By Banyan News Reporters
Colombo, 15 January 2009: The television remote controller poses a serious threat to the country’s national security, the government has determined. A new law will soon be introduced to register and regulate this electronic item.
The ubiquitous gadget helps unpatriotic persons to change the channel when matters of national importance are being broadcast on state TV channels. This, in turn, deprives the government its rightful opportunity to address and inform all its citizens, security advisors have pointed out.
There is also the possibility that terrorists or their sympathisers could use remote controller as a ‘weapon of mass distraction’, to keep citizens uninformed or misinformed about the …
